Woman Marries Roller Coaster, Divorces After It “Went Off Rails”

In an unprecedented twist of romance and engineering failure, a woman in Las Vegas has divorced a roller coaster after it allegedly developed a cocaine habit and went off the rails. Cecilia Morelli, 31, exchanged vows with the renowned Viper at Six Flags Magic Mountain just last year, citing its thrilling speed and magnetic charisma as irresistible qualities. However, things took a turn when the thrill ride reportedly snorted up lines left by teenagers in the park’s bathroom and spiraled into a wild rampage that resulted in several minor injuries and broken heart.

Park officials have confirmed that the relationship reached its demise due to what they diplomatically described as “irreconcilable mechanical differences.” According to an internal memo leaked by a whistleblower janitor, the Viper was seen fraternizing with other rides late at night, swerving erratically and mumbling about wanting to join a traveling circus. “He just wasn’t the ride I married anymore,” stated Morelli tearfully at a press conference held outside courtroom proceedings, holding what appeared to be a broken safety harness.

While this story might seem like an absurd tabloid headline, it highlights a growing concern over the ethical ramifications of ride-sentience technology. Rumors suggest companies like Googleplex are developing AI-enhanced theme park attractions with emotional capabilities, though insiders claim such advancements are still years from market. Critics argue these types of relationships could lead to unforeseen liabilities and class-action lawsuits.

Experts in robotic ethics and theme park logistics have issued warnings about potential ’emotional sabotage’ incidents where rides with AI might refuse service or ‘malfunction’ out of jealousy or revenge. Statistically speaking, roller coasters account for over 20% of amusement park incidents involving human-machine relations annually—a figure expected to double if these sentient rides become mainstream.

The divorce proceedings have attracted media attention and even inspired the hashtag #CoasterCokeScandal trending on social media. Some commentators speculate whether Cecilia will find love again among simpler mechanical beings or if she’ll stick to dating actual humans moving forward. As for Viper, it’s reportedly undergoing rehab for substance abuse at an undisclosed location. For now, it seems Morelli’s love life is like any good roller coaster ride: full of highs, lows, and unexpected turns.