Florida Woman Tries to Baptize Cat, Ends Up in ICU

In a scene straight out of a fever dream, a Florida woman was hospitalized after attempting to perform a full-immersion baptism on her cat while naked in Lake Okeechobee, screaming about feline salvation and brandishing a dildo as her scepter. Witnesses, still in shock, described how the swampy waters erupted with alligators as the woman, 43-year-old Darla Goodwin, proclaimed herself ‘the Kitty Christ’ in an impromptu ritual gone spectacularly wrong.

Goodwin, reportedly fueled by a cocktail of communion wine and homemade absinthe, was seen wading into the lake clutching her bewildered calico, Mr. Whiskers, in one hand and the rubber phallus in the other. Local pastor Rev. Jerry McKenzie expressed concern over the incident, stating, ‘We encourage spiritual cleansing, but please, leave the feline friends out of it and the adult toys at home.’ Mr. Whiskers, still wet and agitated, refused to comment on his role in this curious sacrament.

This wild event is just one more chapter in Florida’s growing trend of unconventional religious practices. With the rise of social media influencers promoting what they’ve dubbed ‘Spiritual Liberation Challenges,’ it seems that everything from baptizing pets to exorcising household appliances has become fair game. The Department of Health warns that these practices can have unintended consequences, such as rabid raccoons attacking baptismal parties or toaster ovens mysteriously catching fire mid-exorcism.

Officials estimate that approximately 23% of these newfound spiritual activities result in some form of injury or property damage. In response, the state has allocated $2 million to a newly formed task force, dubbed the ‘Holy and Unholy Emergency Services Unit’ or HUESU. Their objective: to reduce incidents of ‘misguided zealotry’ and provide proper training for those wishing to explore alternative worship, preferably without resorting to nude aquatic adventures.

Darla Goodwin, now recovering in the ICU with minor injuries and a lot of explaining to do, remains unapologetic about her actions. Neighbors report she’s already planning her next divine mission: a backyard revival featuring the anointing of her lawn gnomes. Whether this will involve more aquatic nudity remains to be seen, but one thing’s for sure—Mr. Whiskers won’t be volunteering for any future conversions.