Billionaire Invents New App That Charges You to Breathe

Silicon Valley, September 02, 2025—In a move that has startled even the most jaded tech enthusiasts, billionaire tech mogul Elroy Tusk has launched Breather, an app that audaciously charges users for every breath they take. The app uses the latest in nasal biometric sensors to track inhalations and exhalations, sending real-time data back to Tusk’s neural network fortress. “We’re redefining the air economy,” Tusk announced at a press event punctuated by the faint sound of breathing monitored by his personal assistant, who was coincidentally seen hyperventilating.

The app’s introduction comes with a marketing campaign touting it as “Breath-as-a-Service (BaaS),” which is being pushed as a green initiative aimed at reducing unnecessary oxygen use. “Paying for air will make people cherish it more,” stated a spokesperson from Tusk Industries, who insisted on anonymity while wearing a branded rebreather mask. In a leaked memo, employees were encouraged to practice ‘deep thought’ techniques to minimize breathing during work hours.

Critics argue that Breather is just another invasive measure disguised as innovation. Yet amidst the outcry, some experts say it’s no more absurd than current practices by tech companies mining personal data through their apps. A university study recently noted that over 70% of smart devices collect more information than what users are aware of, humorously adding, “At least this time you know you’re being suffocated.”

Enthusiasts argue that Breather could revolutionize personal health metrics. According to company materials, early beta testers reported increased mindfulness and reduced oxygen consumption by over 60%, alongside mild dizziness and occasional hallucinations. Meanwhile, Tusk announced upcoming updates featuring ‘premium breath credits’ and family plans with competitive rates for children under five.

As debates rage on about privacy and human rights, one thing is clear: Elroy Tusk has once again managed to inhale billions into his already inflated net worth. With users begrudgingly subscribing to avoid suffocation fees, Tusk quipped at the end of the press conference, “Remember folks, every breath you take adds value—mainly to me.”