September 2, 2025, saw Elon Musk stepping out of a Tesla-branded crib at the unveiling of his newest offspring, X Æ A-16, while surrounded by a throng of journalists. Clad in a robe made entirely of $100 bills and followed by a crew of AI nannies, Musk announced his immediate lawsuit against the infant for potential intellectual property theft. “In a world where sex robots can own stock portfolios, why shouldn’t a baby pay for the Musk legacy?” Musk quipped, setting the stage for what would be an unprecedented move even by Silicon Valley’s standards.
The lawsuit, filed before the umbilical cord was cut, alleges the baby might exploit Musk’s innovative aura just by drooling in a particularly creative way. Musk’s spokesperson read from a scroll of legal jargon penned on biodegradable toilet paper, stating, “This suit ensures Musk’s unparalleled brilliance isn’t leaked through genetic osmosis.” Unfazed by public outcry, the tech titan declared, “This is merely an extension of parental responsibility in the 21st century. If you don’t sue your kids, are you even a parent?”
The maneuver has attracted backlash from both child psychologists and tech ethicists, warning of a slippery slope where babies could be born with lawsuits waiting in the delivery room. “This is what happens when tech guys mistake their offspring for startup projects,” remarked Dr. Henrietta Blume, author of ‘Raising Children in the Age of Algorithmic Paranoia.’ Yet, Musk’s supporters argue it’s a prudent safeguard against the accidental monetization of DNA-rendered genius and future baby-led hostile takeovers of Instagram accounts.
Documents from the San Francisco Superior Court reveal Musk’s team is calculating potential damages based on hypothetical scenarios where X Æ A-16’s inevitable genius generates millions in unsolicited income. “It’s about setting boundaries before the first drool hits the ground,” read a memo released to the media. Analysts are now scrambling to predict whether the next trend will involve baby brands preemptively suing for brand infringement or toddlers coding blockchain contracts from their playpens.
In a twist that further blurs the line between parental affection and corporate interest, Musk is reportedly considering trademarking X Æ A-16’s laughter. “If that giggle could inspire a thousand memes, why shouldn’t it pay rent?” a close associate mused. Regardless of public opinion, one thing is clear: Elon Musk’s approach to parenting is as unorthodox and unpredictable as the trajectory of his space rockets, forever pushing boundaries, even in the nursery.
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