In a shocking yet oddly predictable turn of events, an alien from the distant galaxy of Zogton IV has attended this year’s Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert, only to declare Earth as “overrated.” Witnesses claim the extraterrestrial, identified as Glorptok Ziggton, arrived in what appeared to be a heavily modified Tesla Cybertruck, much to the chagrin of Elon Musk who promptly tweeted about patent infringement. “I’ve seen better gravity waves at a third-rate wormhole carnival,” Glorptok reportedly told festival-goers while attempting to barter a vial of cosmic dust for VIP access to a techno yoga session.
Federal authorities were quick to release a statement emphasizing that intergalactic visitors should adhere to local customs and laws, though it seems Glorptok’s biggest infraction was its unfathomable tolerance for human techno music. “We’ve issued guidelines that clearly state no unauthorized probing of human attendees,” said FBI spokesperson Darla Riggs. Meanwhile, the Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs (DEA) has launched an investigation into how Glorptok acquired over 50 pounds of unregulated astral mushrooms.
As tech billionaires scramble for relevance in space travel, insiders reveal that Burning Man is unofficially considered a diplomatic ground zero for interstellar relations. Sources say that Jeff Bezos has already proposed a ‘Bezos Moon Colony Rave,’ aiming to extend an olive branch—and possibly his Amazon Prime territory—to any bemused galactic tourists. “It’s not about space domination,” Bezos reportedly said in an internal memo circulated among top executives, “It’s about universal brand recognition.”
Glorptok’s visit has prompted Silicon Valley start-ups to innovate faster than ever before. A company named Vibrato Ventures announced they are developing a ‘Cosmic Comfort’ app intended to ease cultural transitions for aliens visiting Earth. The app promises to offer real-time translations of human awkwardness into universally recognized gestures such as facepalms and prolonged sighs. Experts warn this could lead to severe side effects, including existential dread and insatiable cravings for kale smoothies.
Despite its lukewarm review of Earth, Glorptok did express mild interest in returning for Coachella next year, citing a fascination with humanity’s obsession with inflatable flamingos. As the sun set on Black Rock City, Glorptok took off into the night sky, leaving behind only dust trails and discarded glow sticks. The burning question remains: will Earth’s rave culture be enough to save our planet’s Yelp rating in the cosmos? Only time—and perhaps a few more gigs—will tell.
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