In an unprecedented move that’s left both astrophysicists and the porn industry flabbergasted, Silicon Valley billionaire tech mogul Elon Barf today finalized his purchase of the Moon. By sentence two of his press release, Barf detailed his intentions to list it on Airbnb for “intimate getaways with an extraterrestrial view.” The announcement sent shockwaves through Wall Street, not unlike that time he accidentally tweeted “Doge to Uranus” during a conference call.
“The Moon is a natural extension of my vision to disrupt the hospitality industry,” declared Barf in a conference that featured holographic lap dances and martini-shaking robots. NASA officials were reportedly too busy weeping into their freeze-dried ice cream to comment, but an internal memo leaked from SpaceX mentions “interplanetary timeshares” as the new frontier. “Elon has always been about pushing boundaries,” said Chief Intern and part-time UFO enthusiast, Chad Radisson. “Even if those boundaries include the Sea of Tranquility’s dark side, where no one can hear you scream ‘I forgot my spacesuit!'”
While critics argue that this venture underscores income inequality reaching out-of-this-world levels, Airbnb CEO Brian Chesk-bucks was quick to defend the initiative. He pointed to cutting-edge AI algorithms capable of predicting lunar phases and calculating surcharges for “New Moon Night Adventures.” Though Barf’s plans involve installing Wi-Fi towers made of repurposed Tesla batteries, skeptics worry about the impact on natural satellite ecosystems, particularly those concerning moon cheese agriculture and werewolf migrations.
Consumer safety watchdogs are raising concerns about the health implications of space tourism without rigorous scientific oversight. Initial tests suggest that guests could experience “zero-gravity libido enhancement,” attracting funding from venture capitalists with interests in both aerospace and aphrodisiacs. However, reports indicate that prolonged exposure might lead to “Moon Madness,” a condition characterized by involuntary howling and compulsive cryptocurrency trading.
Despite these red flags, bookings have reportedly skyrocketed following a viral TikTok featuring a scantily clad influencer prancing around in simulated low gravity. Barf remains unfazed, claiming his mission is to unite humanity in celestial harmony or at least provide a new venue for bachelor parties with “a view that truly takes you out of this world.” As interplanetary colonization becomes a reality, one can’t help but wonder: will Martians leave negative reviews if they find crusty moon sand in their galactic jacuzzis?
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