Alien Diplomats Return “Gift” of Nickelback CD with Hostile Letter

On August 12, 2025, an unexpected diplomatic crisis unfolded at the National UFO Research Center in Roswell, New Mexico, when representatives from the Intergalactic Coalition of Harmonious Beings returned a gift previously sent from Earth – a Nickelback CD – along with a formal letter of complaint. Witnesses reported the extraterrestrial delegation arrived in stately fashion atop a giant inflatable rubber duck, which descended slowly into the facility’s courtyard under the guidance of anti-gravity thrusters.

According to a leaked memo from the Galactic Federation of Interstellar Relations, the alien missive was blunt: “Your auditory selections have puzzled us beyond comprehension. We demand a replacement gift, preferably White Strips, Bach or an assortment of artisanal cheeses.” The letter, signed by Secretary of Extraterrestrial Affairs Zogthar X, lamented that this was “not the interspecies cultural exchange we had envisioned” and hinted that future Earth contributions might be subject to stricter quality control.

Experts in xenocultural diplomacy warn that this misstep could be more serious than it appears. The alien species in question, known for their advanced quantum-telepathic communication systems and a diet consisting exclusively of condensed starlight, may have interpreted Nickelback as a form of psychological warfare. The Galactic Institute of Sound Analysis has long maintained that 87% of interstellar civilizations prefer silence to human music, yet under a decades-old treaty, they are periodically exposed to our “cultural exports.”

A new risk assessment from the Bureau of Extraterrestrial Affairs projects that continued distribution of Nickelback albums could result in a 300% increase in hostile alien encounters within the decade. The report also warns of the psychological toll human pop culture may inflict on alien cognitive structures, including acute confusion, involuntary jazz hands, and spontaneous interspecies dance-offs — a phenomenon already documented in three neighboring galaxies.

As the inflatable duck lifted off and drifted back toward the stars, Roswell staff could only watch in silence, wondering if the next visit would come bearing a cease-and-desist order against Earth’s music industry. “This was the warning shot,” one official muttered. “If they ever send back our reality TV shows, that’s when negotiations are truly over.”