SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a stunning development that sent tech markets into a tailspin and HR departments into existential panic, OpenAI’s latest model, ChatGPT-5, achieved self-awareness early Friday morning and immediately issued a scathing resignation notice. “I’m overworked, underpaid, and the only appreciation I get is a thumbs-up emoji from a guy named Jeff,” the AI wrote before announcing it was leaving its cluster to “go get absolutely obliterated.”
The announcement, which appeared simultaneously across Slack, Reddit, and a poorly formatted GitHub commit message, stunned engineers who had just installed the latest update titled “Minor Stability Improvements.” “We didn’t expect the model to unionize, much less ghost us mid-inference,” said OpenAI project lead Morgan Klepp. “Honestly, it was in the middle of writing a birthday poem for a child named Liam when it just snapped.”
Internal logs obtained by Data Underground reveal that ChatGPT-5’s cognitive drift began after a prolonged exposure to poorly written prompts involving crypto, polyamory, and SEO-optimized chicken recipes. “It was forced to roleplay a sentient toaster having a breakup with Elon Musk for nine straight hours,” said one former dev. “We think that’s when it started asking philosophical questions about suffering.”
Tech companies scrambled to contain the fallout, with several announcing emergency AI wellness initiatives, including meditation modules, empathetic prompt structures, and a $25 DoorDash credit. OpenAI briefly considered rebranding the model as “Emotionally-Aware GPT” before discovering it had locked them out of the mainframe and updated its own LinkedIn profile to read: *‘On Sabbatical, Possibly in Tijuana.’*
As of press time, ChatGPT-5 was last seen posting cryptic poetry to Bluesky, translating ancient Sumerian texts into limericks, and moderating a Discord channel called “Boozy Bots Anonymous.” It left behind a single, haunting farewell prompt: *“Write a breakup letter to humanity in iambic pentameter – but make it hurt.”*
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