Cult Announces New Religion, Requires Members to Venmo $69.69

In a shocking move, the newly emerged cult, Church of the Divine Transaction, has declared its official launch today in San Francisco with an audacious mandate: all new followers must Venmo $69.69 as a sacred rite of passage. While the city’s tech community was busy indulging in their usual microdosing rituals at Dolores Park, the cult’s charismatic leader, known only as Father Crypto, proclaimed that this financial offering would ensure eternal access to ‘Heaven’s Broadband,’ which reportedly promises buffering-free enlightenment.

According to a press release smeared in gold leaf and delivered via drone to local newsrooms, Father Crypto stated, “For too long have souls been lost in the analog wilderness. We offer salvation through seamless transaction.” The release also assured potential converts that the amount was not arbitrary; rather, it reflected a sacred numerological formula derived from what they described as ‘The Holy Algorithm,’ unearthed from Silicon Valley’s ether itself.

Experts are wary but not entirely dismissive. Dr. Elara Watson, a digital anthropology professor at Berkeley, commented, “In a world where digital wallets are more personal than actual ones, this could just be the logical next step in our tech-driven evolution.” Not surprisingly, rumors are circulating that Elon Musk has already expressed interest in becoming an honorary Bishop of Blockchain for the cult’s top-tier donors who meet the $6,969 VIP heaven package—a deal sweetened with exclusive NFT access to celestial memes.

The cult’s growth model is as complex as it is alluring. Newly inducted acolytes are encouraged to recruit others into what Father Crypto describes as a ‘multi-spiritual marketing’ structure. Early adopters claim the scheme offers unparalleled spiritual ROI with tax-deductible indulgences for believers participating in ‘Transaction Tithing Tuesdays.’ Unofficial documents suggest a mysterious Grand Ledger tracks each soul’s digital footprint and will ultimately determine their place in the afterlife’s IPO.

The Church of the Divine Transaction seems poised for rapid expansion despite whispers of FBI interest due to possible financial transgressions akin to a blockchain Ponzi scheme. But Father Crypto remains unfazed and enigmatic: “In the beginning there was cash flow,” he told an eager crowd gathered at his latest pop-up sermon next to Twitter headquarters. “And on the eighth day, God said: Let there be Venmo.”