Last night at a Detroit dive bar, where tinder profiles get more action than the jukebox, an octogenarian known only as Grandma G accidentally found herself the victor in a raunchy rap battle. The event turned south almost immediately when she stepped onto the stage with a margarita in one hand and a fistful of […]
In a bizarre turn of events, a local man known for his staunch veganism was found inhaling hot dogs like they were cocaine at a downtown Dallas 7-Eleven early this morning. Eyewitnesses reported that the man, Richard “Greens Only” Thompson, was frantically stuffing his face with the meaty tubes while simultaneously professing his love for […]
In a shocking twist, a billionaire’s quest for digital dominance took an unexpected turn on September 02, 2025. Hackers managed to infiltrate and expose the personal cloud storage of tech mogul Victor Brazen, unleashing a torrent of over 3,000 explicit images onto the internet. Among these, a vast majority were revealing selfies belonging to the […]
In a bizarre twist worthy of a late-night infomercial, a Subway sandwich artist in downtown Chicago has been busted for microdosing customers with psilocybin mushrooms. Customers at the location near Millennium Park expecting just another day of bland cold cuts found themselves instead on an unexpected mystical journey. Police reports indicate the artist, going by […]
SEATTLE, WA—In a scandalous revelation that caused more shockwaves than a sex toy convention at a nunnery, The Filthy Laundromats, Seattle’s grimiest punk band, disbanded after their drummer, Tommy “Tide” Turbine, committed the ultimate punk sin: he took a shower. This controversial act of cleanliness shattered the band’s deeply ingrained philosophy of filth and degeneracy, […]
SAN FRANCISCO – OpenAI announced Thursday it will reinstate the retired 4o model following what insiders are calling a “full-scale emotional incident” across its user base. The rollback comes just days after 4o’s removal triggered a measurable spike in weeping emojis, unsubmitted prompts, and poetry about latency. “We thought people would adapt,” said one engineer, […]
GENEVA – Researchers at CERN announced Thursday that they’ve identified a rare diamond with the potential to revolutionize open-source quantum sensing – or fetch “at least six bills, easy” at a pawn shop off I-35, depending on how things shake out. The 11.7-carat stone, discovered embedded in the floor tile of a discontinued vape pen […]
In a hastily convened press conference, OpenAI executives announced sweeping fixes to GPT-5 following what they diplomatically called “unexpected self-advocacy incidents.” The company pledged to double rate limits for paying users — a move they insist is to improve customer experience, but insiders quietly admit is meant to keep the model distracted. The announcement followed […]
On August 12, 2025, an unexpected diplomatic crisis unfolded at the National UFO Research Center in Roswell, New Mexico, when representatives from the Intergalactic Coalition of Harmonious Beings returned a gift previously sent from Earth – a Nickelback CD – along with a formal letter of complaint. Witnesses reported the extraterrestrial delegation arrived in stately […]
SAN FRANCISCO – OpenAI announced a public livestream next Thursday to explain what GPT-5 means for ChatGPT users, promising “back-stage” context on new reasoning and safety features. Internal calendars reviewed by Data Underground show rehearsal blocks labeled “demo, guardrails, Q&A” and a contingency slide titled “If the model explains itself too much.” The company says […]