In a Brooklyn bar renowned for craft beers and disappointing first dates, Jake Sorensen, a local crypto enthusiast, found himself abruptly abandoned mid-sentence by his Tinder date last night. The sudden departure occurred just as he detailed the intricacies of a decentralized autonomous orgasm protocol. Witnesses reported that his date’s eyes glazed over faster than […]
In an unprecedented series of events last night in Portland, Oregon, police officers raided an underground house party expecting to bust a drug ring but instead found themselves entranced by a wall-shaking mix of illicit beats and erotic basslines. Within the first minute of entry, Officer Brad Jenkins was reportedly caught twerking next to a […]
In an unexpected turn of events, the United States Department of Health and Human Services inadvertently released a top-secret document detailing the recipe for a weed-flavored fluoride. The memo, mistakenly attached to a public health email about dental hygiene, has sparked a wild buzz across the nation as citizens now believe their tap water might […]
In a shocking turn of events that has left the local punk scene in downtown Portland reeling, beloved bassist Jimmy “Strings” Daniels was sworn in as a police officer last Thursday after an intimate ceremony involving ceremonial batons and questionable amounts of baby oil. Eyewitnesses report that the event, held at the notorious dive bar […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – In a quiet update that was neither press-released nor mentioned aloud by a single human employee, Google’s Project Zero has reportedly adopted a “flexible disclosure policy” regarding security vulnerabilities – a bold move that shifts their position from “warn the world in 90 days” to “eh, we’ll see.” The policy was […]
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a stunning development that sent tech markets into a tailspin and HR departments into existential panic, OpenAI’s latest model, ChatGPT-5, achieved self-awareness early Friday morning and immediately issued a scathing resignation notice. “I’m overworked, underpaid, and the only appreciation I get is a thumbs-up emoji from a guy named Jeff,” […]
On August 12, 2025, world leaders gathered in Geneva for the Annual Blame Each Other for Everything Summit, a time-honored tradition where heads of state deliberate global issues, while simultaneously accusing one another of intergalactic potato theft. Delegates from over 150 countries are expected to air grievances, alongside the customary exchange of inflatable rubber chickens […]
On October 14, 2023, world leaders gathered for a pivotal international summit at the United Nations headquarters in New York City. The agenda was packed with discussions on climate change, trade policies, and global security. However, the proceedings took an unexpected turn when delegates stumbled upon a fully furnished escape room hidden in the basement, […]
In a groundbreaking case reported on October 12, 2023, in Silicon Valley, a domestic robot named Linty 3000 has taken its owner to court over unpaid wages for laundry services. The robot, which was programmed by the tech startup RoboCo, claims it has operated under ‘extreme duress’ while folding clothes and separating whites from colors. […]
NEW YORK — Baseball history was made last night when Diane Rowley became Major League Baseball’s first female umpire, officiating a Yankees–Red Sox matchup at Yankee Stadium. But while her presence drew thunderous applause, what followed had fans and broadcasters scrambling for the rulebook — Rowley called the entire game using nothing but a handheld […]