September 02, 2025, Miami – A local police officer has been apprehended for allegedly running an elaborate scheme involving reselling marijuana confiscated from high school students. Officer Pete ‘Stash’ Ramirez was caught red-handed while attempting to barter a bag of seized cannabis for a vintage porn magazine outside the Hialeah Police Department. His actions have […]
In an unexpected turn of events during the Sunday mass at St. Timothy’s Cathedral in Buffalo, a local priest inadvertently ignited the altar while freebasing cocaine. According to witnesses, Father Charles McMurray attempted to elevate the congregation’s spiritual experience by introducing what he called a ‘holy fire,’ which soon devolved into a four-alarm blaze that […]
Silicon Valley erupted in chaos today as tech mogul Elon Musk announced his latest venture: the acquisition of the sun. The billionaire, now apparently aspiring celestial landlord, immediately imposed a subscription model for sunlight access, leaving solar panels stunned and tanning enthusiasts scrambling to update their credit card details. “It’s just a way to democratize […]
In a bizarre twist, Reverend Ezekiel Matthews of the St. Ignatius Church in New York City was found running through Times Square at dawn yesterday, clad only in his underpants and wielding a homemade grappling hook. Local law enforcement reported that the pastor, well-known for his impassioned sermons against the evils of modern vices, had […]
In a bizarre twist of Vatican scheduling gone wrong, Pope Francis found himself DJing a wedding at St. Peter’s Basilica this weekend, spinning nothing but Slayer tracks. The Holy Father reportedly donned a cassock emblazoned with pentagrams and blasted ‘Raining Blood’ to the shock of bewildered guests who expected Ave Maria remixes. Vatican officials claim […]
In a divine communication mishap that has left the Vatican red-faced, Father Damien O’Malley of St. Augustine’s Church in New York City reportedly dialed a 1-900 adult hotline instead of his usual number for heavenly counsel. Sources close to the incident revealed that the priest, known for his impassioned sermons on chastity, fumbled with the […]
In a stunning display of raw talent and perhaps subconscious self-awareness, rookie officer Jack “Zap” Daniels accidentally tasered himself during yesterday’s graduation ceremony at the esteemed New York City Police Academy. As he proudly strutted onto the stage, his uniform crisp and polished, the promising young officer reached for his ceremonial cap but instead seized […]
In an unprecedented move that has stunned environmentalists and hydrophiles alike, tech billionaire Calvin R. Starkweather announced today that he has purchased the entirety of the Pacific Ocean for a cool $300 billion. Within hours of the transaction, Starkweather declared his intention to profit from the ocean’s pollution potential by unleashing a fleet of colossal, […]
In a move that would surprise even the most eccentric billionaire, a golden retriever named Max was apprehended by authorities in San Francisco while behind the wheel of an Uber. Initial reports suggest that Max, who allegedly learned to drive through a series of YouTube tutorials aimed at toddlers, managed to complete several rides before […]
In a surprising turn of events that has left the community of Des Moines, Iowa clutching its collective pearls, former pastor Gerald Vickers has left the pulpit to pursue a career as a stripper. Within hours of his first performance at the local neon-lit establishment known as ‘Heavenly Bodies,’ Vickers reportedly earned more in tips […]