In a shocking turn of events this morning, humanity was ghosted by extraterrestrial visitors following a botched first date at an Applebee’s in Roswell, New Mexico. Patrons report that the aliens arrived unannounced, wearing what one witness described as “a mix between Elon Musk’s closet and a 1990s rave.” The date turned awkward fast when […]
In a Brooklyn bar renowned for craft beers and disappointing first dates, Jake Sorensen, a local crypto enthusiast, found himself abruptly abandoned mid-sentence by his Tinder date last night. The sudden departure occurred just as he detailed the intricacies of a decentralized autonomous orgasm protocol. Witnesses reported that his date’s eyes glazed over faster than […]
In a shocking twist, a billionaire’s quest for digital dominance took an unexpected turn on September 02, 2025. Hackers managed to infiltrate and expose the personal cloud storage of tech mogul Victor Brazen, unleashing a torrent of over 3,000 explicit images onto the internet. Among these, a vast majority were revealing selfies belonging to the […]
In a jaw-dropping declaration that echoed across the nation’s frayed nerve endings, Florida boldly announced its secession early this morning, proclaiming itself the independent nation of Floridonia. This bombshell was swiftly followed by the unearthing of a colossal smuggling ring involving inflatable sex dolls dressed as iconic Disney princesses, destined for what insiders are calling […]
In an unprecedented series of events last night in Portland, Oregon, police officers raided an underground house party expecting to bust a drug ring but instead found themselves entranced by a wall-shaking mix of illicit beats and erotic basslines. Within the first minute of entry, Officer Brad Jenkins was reportedly caught twerking next to a […]
In a shocking move, the newly emerged cult, Church of the Divine Transaction, has declared its official launch today in San Francisco with an audacious mandate: all new followers must Venmo $69.69 as a sacred rite of passage. While the city’s tech community was busy indulging in their usual microdosing rituals at Dolores Park, the […]
The usually quiet suburb of Walnut Grove witnessed a bizarre transformation today as a local witch named Morgana unleashed a hex on the Homeowners Association (HOA), resulting in immediate and inexplicable improvements to the neighborhood. The hex, reportedly executed with the assistance of an AI-enabled grimoire, included ingredients like eye of newt, bat guano, and […]
In an alien twist of fate, a Dallas man filed a lawsuit against Taco Bell on September 2, 2025, claiming emotional distress after mistaking the drive-thru speaker for his girlfriend during a late-night burrito run. Witnesses say the man was seen passionately whispering sweet nothings into the speaker box, evidently believing it was some sort […]
A time traveler named Max Quantum reappeared in 2025 and was immediately greeted by a stern financial officer wielding a bill for astronomical student loan debt, just moments after he had finished pleasuring a 34th-century alien prince in a saucy trade for advanced chronal tech. Quantum, wearing nothing but a sequined toga and a perplexed […]
In a bizarre twist worthy of a late-night infomercial, a Subway sandwich artist in downtown Chicago has been busted for microdosing customers with psilocybin mushrooms. Customers at the location near Millennium Park expecting just another day of bland cold cuts found themselves instead on an unexpected mystical journey. Police reports indicate the artist, going by […]