In a shocking turn of events this morning, humanity was ghosted by extraterrestrial visitors following a botched first date at an Applebee’s in Roswell, New Mexico. Patrons report that the aliens arrived unannounced, wearing what one witness described as “a mix between Elon Musk’s closet and a 1990s rave.” The date turned awkward fast when the aliens insisted on splitting the two-for-$20 meal with Bitcoin, while simultaneously flashing holographic nudes to bewildered diners.
According to a leaked memo from the United Nations Extraterrestrial Diplomacy Division, attempts to woo our cosmic guests fell flat when they discovered the bottomless margarita offer didn’t apply to otherworldly life forms. “We thought they’d be impressed by Earth’s culinary fusion and affordable dining,” said UN spokesperson Jenna Mills. “But they simply sipped their drinks through osmosis and then vanished after the first round of appetizers.”
To make matters worse, sources reveal that the alien delegation was underwhelmed by humanity’s tech prowess, particularly our reliance on WiFi. After intercepting several TikTok dances during dinner, one alien reportedly commented that Earth’s technology felt like “Windows 95 trying to run Cyberpunk 2077.” Meanwhile, Apple’s secret plan to unveil an iAlienPhone was abruptly put on hold due to lack of interest.
Speculation now swirls around the potential implications of this diplomatic disaster. Insiders say that governments are scrambling to draft new intergalactic dating protocols. With an estimated budget of $3 trillion, Project Love Beam aims to upgrade Earth’s appeal with features like microchip aphrodisiacs and galactic Groupon deals. However, critics warn of unintended side effects such as inter-species Tinder matches and cosmic catfishing scandals.
As humanity licks its wounds from this cosmic ghosting, questions linger about whether we’ll ever get a second chance. “It’s just like getting dumped via text,” lamented one heartbroken Roswell local who had hoped for an alien fling. Experts suggest updating our interstellar LinkedIn profiles and maybe laying off the chain restaurants if we ever hope to score another date among the stars.