On September 2, 2025, Portland’s Shady Pines complex tenants awoke to a pungent surprise as their landlord, Theodore “Sticky Fingers” Johnson, demanded rent payments in cannabis, announcing it by streaking through the courtyard wearing nothing but hemp underwear and a smile. “Weed is the future,” Johnson yelled as tenants blinked through the haze of marijuana smoke enveloping the buildings like a foggy Amsterdam morning. Some wondered if it was a prank, while others were already calculating how many blunts would cover the usual $1,200 rent.
Johnson’s press conference at the local dispensary was as unconventional as his new rent policy. He lounged on a beanbag chair, joint in hand, declaring, “Cash is old news, folks, and Bitcoin’s just play money for nerds. Give me your dankest nugs.” The ‘Cannabis Clause’ in the lease now specifies a preference for indicas over sativas, claiming the former leads to fewer noise complaints. “Tenants paying in Pineapple Express?” he mused, “I might even fix the leaky roofs.”
The city council has been surprisingly supportive, noting in a memo leaked to the press that Johnson’s move could align with Portland’s eco-friendly image. “In a world threatened by climate change and overzealous landlords,” wrote Councilwoman Linda Ganja, “a currency as green as the earth itself might be the way forward.” In response, Elon Musk tweeted his approval, claiming Tesla’s new solar panels are now designed to absorb both sunlight and the ‘good vibes’ from legal grow operations.
Critics warn that Johnson’s approach might lead to unforeseen consequences like ‘splifflation’—a phenomenon where pizza prices skyrocket due to heightened demand from perpetually hungry tenants. Meanwhile, on Wall Street, analysts are tracking the ‘Kush Index,’ a new metric predicting economic trends based on dispensary sales. “It’s volatile, just like the tech bubble,” quipped one analyst, “but at least it’s organic.”
As tenants prepare for October’s rumored ‘Harvest Rent Hike,’ whispers grow about a rebellion led by an anonymous group calling themselves the “420 Fighters.” Their leader, known only as “Mary Jane Doe,” cryptically warned in an encrypted message, “We won’t be high and dry this winter.” Whether in jest or a call to arms, it’s a sentiment echoing through the smoke-filled halls of Shady Pines as residents brace for their next elevated expense.
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