In a groundbreaking revelation today from Boulder, Colorado, a local man named Trevor Sanderson reported that an intense session with LSD led to a mystical encounter where he allegedly conversed with God. In a twist of celestial irony, divine sources have indicated that God has now decided to block Sanderson’s number due to excessive messages. Witnesses claim they saw Trevor at Pearl Street Mall shouting about eternal truths while simultaneously debating whether Jesus would look better in Birkenstocks or Nikes.
Sanderson insists that during his psychotropic experience, God appeared in a shimmering cloud of vape smoke and offered unsolicited advice on cryptocurrency investments. “He was really adamant about diversifying my Bitcoin holdings,” said Trevor, who now maintains a blog titled ‘The Psychedelic Gospel’ with entries written entirely in haiku format. The Almighty, reached for comment through the Archangel Gabriel’s publicist, reportedly stated, “I prefer FaceTime calls over drug-induced hallucinations.”
In a baffling yet eerily plausible development, the Federal Bureau of Divine Communication (FBDC) has confirmed receiving a surge of reports involving deity interactions amid heightened recreational drug use. An unnamed FBDC official remarked off the record, “We’re implementing measures to ensure deities aren’t overwhelmed by excessive human contact. We recommend users install SpiritBlocker™ software to manage celestial engagement levels.” The program is set for launch alongside Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain-messaging app which includes a feature for direct pings to the astral plane.
This new wave of psychedelic worshippers has prompted calls for regulatory oversight on divine telecommunication channels. The Department of Metaphysical Affairs released a white paper suggesting that the influx of spirit spam could lead to divine burnout by 2030 if left unchecked. They propose implementing ‘Prayer Bandwidth Throttling’ to reduce excessive miracle requests per capita. Analysts estimate each entity in the Holy Trinity currently receives upwards of three billion soul-dials per second.
As Trevor continues his quest for spiritual enlightenment through psychotropic substances, many wonder if any lessons were truly learned. In what some locals are calling ‘The Boulder Revelation,’ residents are now contemplating whether enlightenment via chemical routes might just be another form of heavenly spam. Only time will tell if God’s next move involves updating His privacy settings or if He simply switches to an unlisted number.
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