In a bizarre incident on September 2, 2025, Jesus Christ was reportedly escorted out of a Walmart in Tulsa, Oklahoma, after being caught attempting to shoplift several bottles of red wine. Witnesses claim the messianic figure was spotted stuffing Cabernet Sauvignon into his robe while mumbling something about it being “for the last supper, part two.” This marks the third time this month that Jesus has been removed from a retail establishment under similar circumstances.
According to store security, who were understandably hesitant to wrestle with the alleged Son of God, Jesus explained that “all things are communal,” and therefore so should be the shelf stock at Walmart. “He told us it was divine intervention,” said store manager Carol Jenkins, trying to keep a straight face as she recounted the tale. “We reminded him that divine or not, inventory shrinkage is serious business.” Walmart has released a tongue-in-cheek memo advising staff on handling future divine encounters: “Keep holy figures away from alcohol aisles.”
While Walmart’s corporate office tries to make sense of its heavenly shoplifter, insiders speculate this may be a guerrilla marketing move by the chain to boost lagging wine sales. A leaked internal email suggests that Jesus may be part of a new advertising campaign titled “Biblical Sips: Divine Deals on Everyday Vino,” aiming to attract devout customers who typically stick to communion wine.
Economists warn about the “Messiah Inflation Index,” noting that incidents like these could destabilize retail economies if supernatural figures continue altering stock. Reports indicate a 14% rise in unauthorized divine product appropriations since last Christmas alone. Critics argue it’s a consequence of lax divine property laws, calling for immediate legislative intervention—a bill humorously dubbed “The Second Coming Act” is already underway.
As Jesus left the premises, he paused to address the gathering crowd with a cryptic prophecy: “Loaves and fishes will follow.” Analysts remain uncertain whether this marks an impending surge in seafood sales or simply another divine riddle for theologians to ponder. Meanwhile, Walmart’s security team has tightened protocols around its liquor sections—because even in the age of miracles, theft is still theft.