ANCHORAGE, AK – During a summit that was billed as a historic chance for peace talks, Fox News analysts concluded that Russian President Vladimir Putin “steamrolled” former U.S. President Donald Trump in Alaska. While Putin, speaking first, delivered nearly nine minutes of prepared remarks, Trump spoke for barely three, leaving many observers unsettled by the power imbalance on American soil.
Trump, however, was quick to dismiss the criticism. “When Fox says steamrolled, they mean it in the good way. I like a good massage — deep tissue, very strong, very Russian,” Trump said while standing next to an unblinking Putin. The comment drew laughter from Russian state media, which immediately began airing graphics of a steamroller crushing a bald eagle.
According to leaked talking points circulated within Trump’s campaign, aides had been instructed to describe the summit as a “therapeutic event” rather than a negotiation. One advisor, speaking anonymously, admitted the comparison was “not great optics,” especially after Putin left the stage without taking questions. “We tried to pivot to wellness branding,” the aide said. “It got weird fast.”
National Security officials also expressed concern over Trump’s choice of metaphors. A Defense Department memo noted that equating international diplomacy with “massage therapy” could embolden adversaries. “The Kremlin already believes the U.S. body politic is pliable,” the memo warned, adding that Putin’s entourage distributed free spa vouchers to Alaskan attendees.
As the summit ended, Trump doubled down. “Steamrolling is strong, it’s beautiful, it’s how leaders show affection,” he declared before boarding Air Force One. He then promised that America would be “the most relaxed, most flexible country in the world.” Critics warned that the next session might involve hot stones, with geopolitical consequences still unclear.