ROSWELL, NM – In a report that’s already breaking records for the phrase “no, seriously,” five individuals from wildly unrelated walks of life have come forward claiming they were abducted by aliens, taken aboard spacecraft, and – let’s not mince words here – probed into new tax brackets. Published by the Institute for Unwelcomed Interstellar Interaction (IUII), the paper combines harrowing eyewitness accounts with unsettling consistency: all five subjects were scooped up by extraterrestrials, shown a confusing series of glowing buttons and floating eggs, and ultimately introduced to what researchers are now calling “the Cosmic Plumbing Phase.”
First is Jolene “J-Bone” Kravitz, a 44-year-old monster truck announcer from Texas who says she was abducted while cleaning her deep fryer at 3:12 a.m. “They said they were here for biological research,” she whispered, visibly trembling. “But their tools looked suspiciously like Bed Bath & Beyond clearance items. One guy just had salad tongs.” Her detailed sketch of the craft’s interior includes a “hover bidet with sentience” and something labeled only as The Extractor.
Next up: Todd Blevins, a part-time vape influencer and full-time liar from Bakersfield. Todd described being “teleported naked into a conference room full of pulsating fanny packs,” where he was shown a series of low-res slides titled “Why You’re Special (And Probe-Worthy).” Blevins claims he was eventually released after convincing the aliens he was already being probed by the NSA. “They were real respectful after that,” he said, lighting a Juul. “One even followed me on Instagram.”
Third is Dr. Lucinda Reyes, an Ivy League physicist who, in a cruel twist of cosmic irony, was mid-TED Talk on “debunking alien abduction myths” when she vanished from the stage. She reappeared 47 minutes later covered in glitter, clutching a pamphlet that read Welcome to Uranus: A Beginner’s Guide to Mutual Understanding. She has since filed for academic leave and refuses to sit down during interviews.
Fourth on the list is “Chainsaw” Gary, a forklift poet from Manitoba who admits he was “real drunk” when the sky split open and a “metallic suppository the size of a Winnebago” abducted him mid-urination. “They called me Earth King and gave me a sash,” he growled. “But then came the probing. Oh, the probing. It was like a colonoscopy directed by Stanley Kubrick.” Gary claims the aliens downloaded his memories but only kept the ones involving NASCAR and regrettable tattoos.
Finally, we have Chelsea Gratz, a Gen Z crypto astrologist and “trauma content creator” who livestreamed her entire abduction on TikTok. The video, now with over 9 million views, shows Chelsea screaming “TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER—UNLESS HE’S A GEMINI,” before being enveloped in a beam of light. She later reported being probed by “a translucent blob who kept asking for my pronouns and horoscope.” She gave them both. They gave her something back. It’s still vibrating.
Experts warn that these encounters are increasing, especially near areas with high vape density, emotional instability, and expired Slim Jims. The IUII recommends preparing for future contact by maintaining proper hygiene, emotional openness, and a flexible lower intestine. As for our five abductees, they’ve launched a podcast called “Space Touched: Raw, Real, and Recently Probed”, with Episode One titled “When the Lube Is Made of Light.”