A recent incident at a waffle house in Birmingham, Alabama, has left one Flat Earth enthusiast both physically bruised and seemingly vindicated. Local conspiracy theorist Earl “The Edge” Thompson suffered minor injuries after toppling off a stool at the local greasy spoon, claiming the fall as definitive proof of the Earth’s flatness. Witnesses report that Thompson’s descent was as dramatic as his claims, ending with him sprawled out on the sticky tile.
In an official statement made from his hospital bed, Thompson asserted, “They told me gravity would keep me steady on that stool. If gravity were real, I’d still be holding my beer.” To bolster his case, he cited a personal memo, allegedly penned by an anonymous NASA engineer, reading: “Honestly, we just like the way round things roll.” Meanwhile, the Waffle House staff have issued no comments but were seen installing additional padding around barstools.
Experts in public delusion suggest that the rise in flat earth-related incidents correlates with the increased availability of questionable online forums. A recent survey by The Center for Spherical Evidence found that 25% of people under 30 believe more in YouTube than they do their own mothers. While social media platforms claim to combat misinformation, conspiracies spread like butter on a hot waffle.
The National Association of Barstool Enthusiasts (NABE) reported a concerning uptick in similar tumbles nationwide, coining the term “Geo-Traction Malfunction” to describe these incidents. According to NABE’s press release last month, “Falls from barstools increase by 300% when fueled by alternative theories and whiskey sours.” Many establishments now consider installing invisible tether systems to support patrons lost in their own theories—and balance.
As Thompson plans his triumphant return to the scene of his revelation, he urges fellow truth-seekers to join him at the next Waffle House Symposium. “The truth is out there,” he insists, glancing warily at the ceiling tiles as if they might morph into tiny planets orbiting his head. Meanwhile, locals are advised to tread carefully; after all, it’s a thin world out there.