WASHINGTON, D.C. – A wave of conservative celebration swept across Capitol Hill Friday as new labor data confirmed the U.S. job market has fully regressed to its most traditional form: a charming split between self-employed artisans, incarcerated laborers, and the quietly perished. “This is what freedom looks like,” said Rep. Nathaniel Bork (R-TN), raising a mason jar of unregulated, potentially spoiled milk in triumph. “No handouts. No middlemen. Just raw, bootstrap hustle or slow economic death like our founding fathers intended.”
The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that formal employment is now down to a historic 7%, while Etsy seller registrations, organ donor cards, and 19th-century job titles like “chimneysweep” and “local hexer” have all hit record highs. The report also noted a 400% increase in men forging horseshoes “for the vibes” and a suspicious uptick in children listed as “independent family contractors” on tax returns. “We’re seeing incredible innovation,” said one economist, “especially among those fleeing both the housing market and common sense.”
To address the booming DIY economy, the House Subcommittee on Freedom recently introduced the Back to Work, But Weird Act, which provides a $12 voucher for anyone starting a business, so long as it involves raw butter, ammo engraving, or off-grid Bitcoin mining. Meanwhile, former warehouse employees are being encouraged to re-skill into careers like “soap baron,” “feral web designer,” or “man who yells about gold behind a truck stop.” Employers across the country are celebrating the shift, saying it “really cuts down on annoying things like paychecks.”
Republican strategists say the return to a pre-New Deal labor model is “an ideological win,” with Mitch McConnell quietly fist-pumping after reading a think tank whitepaper titled Why Wages Are a Form of Marxism. In lieu of pensions, several red states are now offering workers a chance to bury money directly under statehouse-approved trees, or enter lotteries to win “a year’s supply of freedom (and jerky).” One lawmaker proposed legalizing child labor as “a bonding activity that could get Gen Z off antidepressants.”
As for the deceased, officials insist they represent “the silent majority” — their quiet absence a testament to American grit. “Some call this collapse,” said Rep. Bork, adjusting his bolo tie. “We call it equilibrium.” He then mounted a penny-farthing bicycle, shouted “No notes!” and rode off into the smog. The Labor Department, for its part, offered one final statement before shuttering indefinitely: “Your employment status is now between you and God. Good luck.”