GREENBELT, MD — NASA officials confirmed Thursday that interstellar object 3I/ATLAS, recently captured in extraordinary detail by the James Webb Space Telescope, is “technically and anatomically consistent with a space dong.” The object, measuring over 400 meters in length with a pronounced bulge near the midpoint, is currently on a trajectory that will pass near Earth within the next six months. “It’s a little awkward, yes,” admitted NASA spokesperson Darren Vell. “But space is full of surprises.”
Dubbed “Cosmic Johnson” by mission control staff in private Slack channels, the object’s tumbling motion and deeply ridged structure have drawn both scientific fascination and uncomfortable laughter. NASA’s public messaging campaign, hastily launched this morning, urges Americans to “look beyond the shape” and focus on the scientific implications. “We are witnessing the universe express itself in forms both majestic and mildly inappropriate,” said Vell during a press briefing that included zero eye contact.
Leaked internal memos show that NASA’s Planetary Defense Coordination Office initially flagged the object under the codename “Operation Freudian Missile.” One report, dated last week, warns that the object’s trajectory could trigger “psychological disruption among adult males in sensitive roles,” prompting a briefing for Space Force personnel on “metaphor resilience.” Meanwhile, the Vatican Observatory released a statement calling the event “a celestial test of humility.”
Despite public concern, officials say the risk of impact is minimal. However, fringe theorists and meme lords are already speculating that 3I/ATLAS is a deliberate message. “This is cosmic projection,” tweeted Dr. Bronson Kal, a disbarred psychoanalyst turned YouTuber. “The universe is sending us a firm reminder that humanity’s insecurities are now visible on an interstellar scale.” The post received 9.2 million likes in under three hours.
As the object nears, NASA plans to livestream its flyby with commentary from leading astrophysicists, comedians, and one extremely nervous theologian. “We must remember,” concluded Vell, “that not everything in the sky is trying to tell us something — but when it looks like that, it’s hard not to take it personally.”
Officially, the science stays the science: a weird rock, a dusty halo, CO/CO₂ in the spectrum, and a rotation state that refuses to pick a lane. Unofficially, everyone knows how this will read on a lower third. Next Thursday’s livestream will walk through the modeling choices, and the producers of Ancient Aliens have already bought ad time next to the Q&A. If the primes return in the next window, Director’s Discretionary Time is waiting; if they don’t, the bottle will go back to being just glass. Either way, the last frame in Webb’s logbook from August 6 carries a note no one will parse the same way: “Glints ceased at end of sequence.” To a dynamicist, that’s changing geometry. To an ancient alien theorist — licensed phrase — it’s the part where the label turns inward.
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