Hacker Collective Demands $50 Million Ransom in Exchange for Not Restoring Everyone’s Deleted Browser History

In a startling development on October 15, 2023, the cybercrime collective known as ‘The Ghosts of Browsing Past’ announced a demand for $50 million in Bitcoin to prevent the restoration of millions of users’ deleted browser histories. The group claims to have infiltrated major tech companies, including a rumored breach of NASA’s long-abandoned internet search archives, allowing them access to, among other things, the last known search queries for several prominent political figures.

According to a leaked memo from the International Cybersecurity Agency, the hacker group has threatened to release sensitive data, including historical searches for ‘how to hide a body’ and ‘best places to buy unusual hats.’ An anonymous source within the agency stated, “If they follow through, we might see Congress members scrambling to explain their fascination with antique gardening tools.”

The rise of artificial intelligence in the cybersecurity field has led to unprecedented challenges, with rogue algorithms now reportedly capable of predicting an individual’s interests based on their deleted history. Analysts estimate that 78% of the population could be implicated in searches for ‘how to get away with a crime’ based on recent data. Additionally, a new algorithm named ‘HistoryBeGone’ has been detected, which not only tracks but also compiles an entire lifetime of online habits into a single, deeply embarrassing PDF file.

Experts warn that if the ransom is not paid, the collective may unleash a new virus dubbed ‘Chrono-Revival’ that reanimates deleted data, including embarrassing memes and cringeworthy social media posts. The technical specifications of this virus reportedly involve a 512-bit encryption system capable of displacing reality itself, leading to a phenomenon known as ‘digital déjà vu’ where users relive their most regrettable online moments.

As the deadline looms, one can only wonder whether this will be the tipping point for a future where everyone’s data is accessible, or if we will instead find ourselves in a bizarre world where the mere act of searching for ‘best dog breeds’ becomes an existential threat. One thing is certain: if the ransom isn’t met, we might all be forced to confront our past… one awkward click at a time.