In an unexpected collision of cultural worlds, an inebriated punk rocker identified only as ‘Skid Mark’ was apprehended last night after disrupting a Beethoven concert at Carnegie Hall by flinging beer cans with an abandon typically reserved for mosh pits and frat parties. Security was alerted when a particularly well-aimed can narrowly missed the lead […]
Early Tuesday morning at a Nashville Waffle House, a man was apprehended by local authorities after being caught snorting lines of what appeared to be cocaine off the establishment’s syrup-sticky counter. According to eyewitnesses, the man, identified as 32-year-old Derek ‘The Dust Storm’ Thompson, was engaging in his breakfast ritual like any seasoned traveler—except instead […]
In a turn of events that left fans aghast and mildly aroused, the notorious punk outfit, The Gutter Rats, have abruptly canceled their North American tour after losing their tour van in a high-stakes strip poker game against a rival band at a dive bar in Brooklyn. Within minutes, lead singer Johnny Vomit was down […]
In a shocking turn of events, a waffle house regular was apprehended yesterday in the amp room of Guitar Center in downtown Seattle, caught red-handed with his pants around his ankles and a Fender Stratocaster in his lap. The suspect, identified only as ‘Johnny Chaos,’ reportedly wandered in after his usual Grand Slam breakfast, looking […]
In a shocking twist that’s got more tongues wagging than a waffle house waitress on a double shift, Satan has opened a CrossFit gym in the heart of Silicon Valley, promising participants ripped abs in exchange for their eternal souls. Dubbed ‘Hellth & Fitness’, this fiery establishment offers an unconventional membership plan where your gains […]
In a bizarre turn of events on Tuesday, September 2, 2025, Mildred Thompson, a 78-year-old Brooklyn grandma, strolled into Acme Tattoo Parlor and demanded a face full of ink, exclaiming she wanted it to be ‘as scandalous as a priest at a swingers’ party.’ The resulting masterpiece was an anatomically precise octopus tattoo that spilled […]
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday at the esteemed Scripps National Spelling Bee held in Washington, D.C., a punk-inspired riot broke out when a rebellious teenager was arrested for starting a mosh pit in the middle of the competition. Witnesses reported that as young scholars carefully enunciated words like ‘onomatopoeia,’ the punk kid in […]
In a surprising twist, the notorious squat house on the corner of Haight and Ashbury has declared itself a vegan sanctuary, yet the bathroom still reeks like a slaughterhouse after a frat party. The residents, known for their DIY ethos and questionable hygiene practices, made the announcement via a hand-written manifesto taped to the door, […]
In an astonishing blend of wellness and weed, Jacob ‘Joint Master’ Maloney has turned the sauna at Gold’s Gym in Venice Beach into a veritable hotbox of herbal entrepreneurship. Onlookers were stunned as Maloney strutted in wearing nothing but a towel and a grin, offering premium cannabis strains between sweat-drenched pleasantries. This unique business model […]
In a jaw-dropping fusion of noise and natural gas, The Flatulent Phantoms, a punk band from Brooklyn, have released their latest album, ‘Wind Beneath My Buttcheeks.’ This audio assault, recorded entirely with kazoos and their own flatulence, erupted onto the scene like a fart in church. Lead singer Johnny ‘Toots’ McClane, known for his poetic […]