In a shocking turn of events, the Los Angeles Police Department raided a local rave last night, coming away with enough MDMA to make a whole yoga retreat in Joshua Tree euphoric and an assortment of glow sticks that now adorn the precinct’s break room. At approximately 2 AM, officers stormed the abandoned warehouse turned […]
In a groundbreaking move reminiscent of a fever dream crafted in the back alleys of Tallahassee, Florida has officially declared methamphetamine as its state currency. Governor Ron Desperado signed the bill into law in front of a cheering crowd this morning, as several raccoons made off with his wallet. “Meth is our cultural heritage,” he […]
In a baffling turn of events, a local man in Newark, New Jersey reportedly attempted to smoke crack cocaine through a vape pen and unexpectedly found himself hurtling through time. The incident occurred late Sunday night at Big Lou’s Vape and Bodega, where eyewitnesses claim the man vanished just after taking a hit. “He took […]
PORTLAND, OR—Amidst the pungent aroma of stale beer and body odor, the kitchen of local punk house The Squatty Sanctuary has been declared an official biohazard by city health inspectors, who were shocked to find a pile of sex toys being used as paper towel holders beside a pile of what could only be described […]
SEATTLE—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through both the music industry and pet grooming circles, a border collie named Buster started a punk band called “Fur-tality” and was promptly signed by Sub Pop Records. Witnesses claim the dog began barking along rhythmically to a Sex Pistols record during a routine checkup at Emerald […]
A quiet Tuesday evening at the Walmart in Des Moines, Iowa took an unexpected turn when a brawl erupted in the frozen foods aisle, culminating in an engagement that left shoppers and staff utterly flabbergasted. Eyewitnesses reported that a disagreement over the last bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets spiraled into a full-on melee involving whipped […]
In a bold maneuver that shocked even the most jaded regulars of Crescent City’s Mojo Music, local punk icon Johnny “Skins” Thompson was apprehended on September 02, 2025, for attempting to shoplift an entire drum set by stuffing it down his pants. Witnesses claim Thompson entered the store wearing baggy cargo shorts and left looking […]
Amidst the chaos of a downtown bathroom flooding incident, the indie band Screaming Frequencies blasted their sound so forcefully at a local dive bar in Portland that city officials were forced to declare a state of emergency. Patrons enjoying their craft beers and artisanal pickles suddenly found themselves submerged in chest-high water while attempting to […]
September 02, 2025: In a shocking turn of events, local punk rocker Sid Shambles was discovered alive today, buried under a pile of sex dolls and empty beer bottles in his Newark apartment. Shambles, notorious for his on-stage antics and off-stage debt, faked his own death to dodge a mountain of Venmo requests, causing an […]
In a divine twist of fate that would make a bishop blush, Jesus Christ has reportedly endorsed a popular vape brand, Holy Smokes, causing church attendance to spike dramatically across the nation. Parishioners at St. Peter’s Cathedral in Cincinnati described the moment they saw a holographic Jesus puffing on a neon-blue e-cigarette during Sunday mass. […]