A quiet Tuesday evening at the Walmart in Des Moines, Iowa took an unexpected turn when a brawl erupted in the frozen foods aisle, culminating in an engagement that left shoppers and staff utterly flabbergasted. Eyewitnesses reported that a disagreement over the last bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets spiraled into a full-on melee involving whipped […]
PORTLAND, OR—Amidst the pungent aroma of stale beer and body odor, the kitchen of local punk house The Squatty Sanctuary has been declared an official biohazard by city health inspectors, who were shocked to find a pile of sex toys being used as paper towel holders beside a pile of what could only be described […]
In a bold maneuver that shocked even the most jaded regulars of Crescent City’s Mojo Music, local punk icon Johnny “Skins” Thompson was apprehended on September 02, 2025, for attempting to shoplift an entire drum set by stuffing it down his pants. Witnesses claim Thompson entered the store wearing baggy cargo shorts and left looking […]
September 02, 2025: In a shocking turn of events, local punk rocker Sid Shambles was discovered alive today, buried under a pile of sex dolls and empty beer bottles in his Newark apartment. Shambles, notorious for his on-stage antics and off-stage debt, faked his own death to dodge a mountain of Venmo requests, causing an […]
Amidst the chaos of a downtown bathroom flooding incident, the indie band Screaming Frequencies blasted their sound so forcefully at a local dive bar in Portland that city officials were forced to declare a state of emergency. Patrons enjoying their craft beers and artisanal pickles suddenly found themselves submerged in chest-high water while attempting to […]
In a divine twist of fate that would make a bishop blush, Jesus Christ has reportedly endorsed a popular vape brand, Holy Smokes, causing church attendance to spike dramatically across the nation. Parishioners at St. Peter’s Cathedral in Cincinnati described the moment they saw a holographic Jesus puffing on a neon-blue e-cigarette during Sunday mass. […]
Portland’s indie music scene climaxed with controversy on September 2, 2025, when Jenna ‘Cosmic Vibe’ Roberts, lead singer of Sonic Blasphemy, joined a multi-level marketing scheme selling what she calls ‘orgasmic oils.’ Enchanted Oils claims to source their aphrodisiac concoctions from the sweat of Peruvian sex lizards. Shockingly, Roberts announced her MLM debut during an […]
In an unprecedented move yesterday, the residents of a Seattle punk house declared their bathroom a sovereign nation, promptly initiating a chaotic standoff with the local Homeowners Association. Citing their right to self-determination and unlimited joint rolling, the punks—dubbed the Republic of Soap Scum—erected a makeshift border checkpoint using empty PBR cans and an inflatable […]
On September 2, 2025, Portland’s Shady Pines complex tenants awoke to a pungent surprise as their landlord, Theodore “Sticky Fingers” Johnson, demanded rent payments in cannabis, announcing it by streaking through the courtyard wearing nothing but hemp underwear and a smile. “Weed is the future,” Johnson yelled as tenants blinked through the haze of marijuana […]
In a Cleveland bathroom, local punk guitarist Tommy ‘Tatters’ Thompson awoke Tuesday morning, convinced that the porcelain tub he found himself in was not just a temporary resting place after another night of heavy drinking, but his new permanent residence. Thompson, who performs with the band “The Sneaky Ferrets,” reportedly told authorities he had secured […]