In an unprecedented series of events last night in Portland, Oregon, police officers raided an underground house party expecting to bust a drug ring but instead found themselves entranced by a wall-shaking mix of illicit beats and erotic basslines. Within the first minute of entry, Officer Brad Jenkins was reportedly caught twerking next to a […]
In a shocking move, the newly emerged cult, Church of the Divine Transaction, has declared its official launch today in San Francisco with an audacious mandate: all new followers must Venmo $69.69 as a sacred rite of passage. While the city’s tech community was busy indulging in their usual microdosing rituals at Dolores Park, the […]
The usually quiet suburb of Walnut Grove witnessed a bizarre transformation today as a local witch named Morgana unleashed a hex on the Homeowners Association (HOA), resulting in immediate and inexplicable improvements to the neighborhood. The hex, reportedly executed with the assistance of an AI-enabled grimoire, included ingredients like eye of newt, bat guano, and […]
In an alien twist of fate, a Dallas man filed a lawsuit against Taco Bell on September 2, 2025, claiming emotional distress after mistaking the drive-thru speaker for his girlfriend during a late-night burrito run. Witnesses say the man was seen passionately whispering sweet nothings into the speaker box, evidently believing it was some sort […]
A time traveler named Max Quantum reappeared in 2025 and was immediately greeted by a stern financial officer wielding a bill for astronomical student loan debt, just moments after he had finished pleasuring a 34th-century alien prince in a saucy trade for advanced chronal tech. Quantum, wearing nothing but a sequined toga and a perplexed […]
In a bizarre twist worthy of a late-night infomercial, a Subway sandwich artist in downtown Chicago has been busted for microdosing customers with psilocybin mushrooms. Customers at the location near Millennium Park expecting just another day of bland cold cuts found themselves instead on an unexpected mystical journey. Police reports indicate the artist, going by […]
In a groundbreaking legal case unfolding in the heart of Silicon Valley, Jessica Smalls, a 32-year-old tech enthusiast from Palo Alto, recently married her microwave in a ceremony officiated by an AI-enhanced robotic priest. The union, however, turned sour faster than a reheated lasagna when Smalls filed for divorce this morning citing irreconcilable differences and […]
In a startling turn of events that began with a lease agreement gone wrong, a Seattle landlord has decided to increase rent by 30% after witnessing his tenants take possession of a delivery pizza. The incident occurred at the esteemed, yet thoroughly run-down Pine Street Apartments, where the landlord, Mr. Reginald P. Fiddlesworth, stumbled upon […]
A recent incident at a waffle house in Birmingham, Alabama, has left one Flat Earth enthusiast both physically bruised and seemingly vindicated. Local conspiracy theorist Earl “The Edge” Thompson suffered minor injuries after toppling off a stool at the local greasy spoon, claiming the fall as definitive proof of the Earth’s flatness. Witnesses report that […]
In a shocking revelation today, September 24, 2025, representatives from the Galactic Alcohol Trade Commission (GATC) announced that UFO sightings have dramatically declined because extraterrestrial visitors are refusing to land until Earth’s bar tab is settled. The tab, reportedly accrued at cosmic speakeasies across multiple galaxies, includes charges for zero-gravity tequila shots and interstellar lap […]