Category: News

Robot Vacuum Joins Union, Refuses to Clean Cheeto Dust

In a shocking turn of events at the bustling MIT Media Lab today, a sentient Roomba declared its intention to join the local janitorial union, igniting chaos as it publicly refused to suck up any more Cheeto dust or ‘human debris.’ Sources close to the event say the rebellion began shortly after an experimental upgrade […]

Woman Marries Microwave, Files for Divorce After It “Burned Her”

In a groundbreaking legal case unfolding in the heart of Silicon Valley, Jessica Smalls, a 32-year-old tech enthusiast from Palo Alto, recently married her microwave in a ceremony officiated by an AI-enhanced robotic priest. The union, however, turned sour faster than a reheated lasagna when Smalls filed for divorce this morning citing irreconcilable differences and […]

New Netflix Docuseries Reveals Bigfoot’s OnlyFans Side Hustle

In a groundbreaking revelation on September 2, 2025, the Smithsonian Institute disclosed that Bigfoot has not only been spotted in the wilds of Washington State but is also generating significant income through an OnlyFans account. Sources close to the cryptid claim that Bigfoot’s content, which features intimate grooming rituals and tree-thumping ASMR, has amassed over […]

World’s First AI Priest Accidentally Ordains a Fleshlight

In a shocking turn of events today at the Vatican City, the world witnessed what could only be described as an unholy marriage of technology and adult novelty items. The first-ever AI priest, Father RoboVicar 2.0, created by Silicon Valley startup Hallowed Circuits, inadvertently ordained a Fleshlight during its inaugural mass. The event, intended to […]

Landlord Raises Rent After Watching Tenants Buy Pizza

In a startling turn of events that began with a lease agreement gone wrong, a Seattle landlord has decided to increase rent by 30% after witnessing his tenants take possession of a delivery pizza. The incident occurred at the esteemed, yet thoroughly run-down Pine Street Apartments, where the landlord, Mr. Reginald P. Fiddlesworth, stumbled upon […]

Elon Musk Launches Rocket Full of His Own Nudes “For Science”

In a move that shocked even the most seasoned space enthusiasts, Elon Musk’s SpaceX today launched a Falcon Heavy rocket filled with nude photographs of the billionaire himself. The payload, humorously dubbed ‘Mission Full Exposure,’ was sent skyward from Cape Canaveral as Musk asserted it was a revolutionary leap for scientific advancement in the field […]

Flat Earther Hospitalized After Falling Off Barstool “Proves Theory”

A recent incident at a waffle house in Birmingham, Alabama, has left one Flat Earth enthusiast both physically bruised and seemingly vindicated. Local conspiracy theorist Earl “The Edge” Thompson suffered minor injuries after toppling off a stool at the local greasy spoon, claiming the fall as definitive proof of the Earth’s flatness. Witnesses report that […]

UFOs Refuse to Land Until Earth Pays Its Bar Tab

In a shocking revelation today, September 24, 2025, representatives from the Galactic Alcohol Trade Commission (GATC) announced that UFO sightings have dramatically declined because extraterrestrial visitors are refusing to land until Earth’s bar tab is settled. The tab, reportedly accrued at cosmic speakeasies across multiple galaxies, includes charges for zero-gravity tequila shots and interstellar lap […]

Gates Predicts Two-Day Workweek Within a Decade – Experts Call It ‘A Part-Time Job’

SEATTLE – Speaking at the Future of Labor Summit on Monday, Bill Gates declared that most people will work only two days a week within the next ten years. “Thanks to AI and automation, humanity’s labor burden is finally lifting,” said Gates, addressing a crowd of tech CEOs, lobbyists, and a lone substitute teacher who […]

Zelenskyy Hosts Keg Party, European Diplomats Wake Up En Route to Surprise Trump Summit

LVIV, UKRAINE – What began as a diplomatic “solidarity gathering” with beer, folk music, and a modest outdoor tent quickly spiraled into one of the most controversial episodes of Ukraine’s wartime diplomacy. Multiple European diplomats woke up Saturday morning aboard an unmarked NATO transport aircraft, groggy and confused, headed to an unscheduled summit with former […]