In a baffling turn of events, a local man in Newark, New Jersey reportedly attempted to smoke crack cocaine through a vape pen and unexpectedly found himself hurtling through time. The incident occurred late Sunday night at Big Lou’s Vape and Bodega, where eyewitnesses claim the man vanished just after taking a hit. “He took one puff, and poof! He was gone,” said Lucy Martinez, who was restocking the shelves with adult magazines at the time. Local authorities have dubbed this the “Crack To The Future” incident.
According to initial reports, the man, identified as 28-year-old Derek Thompson, was casually experimenting with his custom rig when he suddenly disappeared amidst a cloud of vaporized rock smoke. Local police have released an official statement saying they are investigating this as a potential new form of illicit time travel. “We are cooperating with NASA and the DEA to understand this phenomenon,” said Officer Jim Gallagher. A hastily issued memo from the Department of Energy leaked online reads, “All citizens are advised against smoking crack through any high-tech devices unless under scientific supervision.”
The implications of this discovery could revolutionize our understanding of time travel, prompting tech billionaires to invest heavily in vape-based chrononautics. This comes as no surprise given Jeff Bezos’s recent acquisition of several vape pen companies and an old DeLorean factory in the outskirts of Detroit. Experts speculate that if time travel is possible through vaporizable substances, then Silicon Valley will shift focus entirely from AI to this newfound method of ‘Chrono-Vaporization.’
As public interest skyrockets, scientists have begun testing various substances with vape pens to measure potential temporal displacement effects. Initial trials involving Red Bull and CBD-infused gummy bears have yielded mixed results—mostly involving participants feeling like they’re stuck in 1998 or thinking every song sounds like Britney Spears’ debut single. A PowerPoint presentation shared at an emergency session of Congress included potential side effects such as premature aging and an existential crisis.
With Derek Thompson still missing in what family members describe as “a haze of time-bending escapades,” community members remain on high alert for sudden appearances of naked men wielding outdated slang. The incident has sparked debate over whether future legislation will need to address not just drug use but its unintended sci-fi consequences. As one stoner at Big Lou’s put it, “Dude smoked crack and got unstuck in time—isn’t that basically just called 2025?”