In an unprecedented turn of events at Franklin High, a tinder incident flared up when junior punk rocker Jamie “Sticks” Callahan wielded drumsticks like a Viking berserker during the annual dodgeball tournament, resulting in his expulsion. Witnesses report that Callahan, a part-time drummer and full-time anarchist, turned the gym into a medieval battlefield, launching rubber balls with surgical precision while shouting obscure Norwegian death metal lyrics. Parents are shocked, claiming this is the most action the school has seen since Principal Howard accidentally screened an unedited version of ‘Animal House’ during last year’s film week.
Officials are now scrambling to update their policies regarding acceptable sports equipment, which apparently did not previously prohibit ‘musical instruments as medieval weaponry.’ In a hastily written memo, Superintendent Linda Rotwell stated, “Franklin High supports extracurricular activities but prefers them not to include tactical assaults during gym class. We apologize for any emotional trauma experienced by participating students who were expecting standard rubber ball injuries.”
This comes amidst a broader societal debate about youth aggression and the influence of music genres labeled as ‘aggressively misunderstood.’ Critics point to studies funded by The Institute for Blame Music First (IBMF), showing that exposure to thrash metal increases one’s propensity to view dodgeball as a Viking raid rather than friendly competition. However, these studies are inconclusive, as they were conducted on lab rats exposed to both Slayer albums and live scorpions.
According to Franklin High’s disciplinary records, incidents involving unconventional weapons have risen by 69% since last fall, with confiscated items ranging from electric kazoo tasers to boomerang trombones. School authorities claim that each incident goes through rigorous investigative protocols involving Polygraph Dance Challenges and Forensic Karaoke sessions designed to uncover the root causes of musical violence.
As for Jamie Callahan, he’s become an underground legend overnight. Rumor has it he’s forming an outlaw dodgeball team called The Rhythm Warriors, recruiting rebels from local high schools who aim to replace typical sportsmanship with performance art combat. When asked for comment, Callahan simply sneered and said, “School wanted me to play nice; I just added my own beat.” Whether he’s leading a movement or just creating chaos is uncertain, but one thing’s for sure: dodgeball will never be the same again.
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