CERN Accidentally Opens Portal to Dimension Where Humanity Turned Out Fine

On August 12, 2025, scientists at CERN reported an unexpected anomaly during a routine experiment involving particle collisions. The Large Hadron Collider, known for its groundbreaking research, inadvertently opened a portal to a parallel dimension where humanity has thrived without conflict, poverty, or the need for pineapple on pizza. Researchers were baffled when an envoy of friendly, well-groomed humanoids emerged, claiming to represent their utopian world.

The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) has since issued a memo stating, âWe always suspected there were better alternatives to our current reality, but we never imagined theyâd come knocking at our door with organic smoothies.â This sentiment was echoed by Dr. Eliza Grimsby, who stated, âWeâre just as surprised as the rest of you, but the interdimensional travel guidelines seem quite straightforward.â

Interestingly, this incident has reignited debates about the ethical implications of scientific exploration. With the arrival of these visitors, the International Agency of Cosmic Relations (IACR) has reported a 47% increase in proposals for ethical committees to oversee interdimensional diplomacy. Additionally, a leaked document indicated that CERN is considering a new project, the âUtopia Initiative,â which aims to replicate the conditions of the newfound dimension, including a mandatory daily yoga session for all participants.

Technical experts suggest that the portalâs stability is maintained by an unusual quantum frequency dubbed the âHappiness Wave,â measured at 42.7 gigahertz. However, preliminary studies indicate that prolonged exposure may lead to bizarre side effects, including an uncontrollable urge to wear pastel clothing and an overwhelming desire to sing show tunes. The implications for our reality are profound, with some suggesting that it could lead to a 99% reduction in existential dread globally.

As crowds gather outside CERN, chanting slogans like âTake us to the Smoothie Dimension,â one has to wonder: if we can access a realm where humanity turned out fine, what’s stopping us from relocating? Perhaps the real challenge lies not in opening portals, but in convincing the pineapple-on-pizza enthusiasts to stay behind.