MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – In a quiet update that was neither press-released nor mentioned aloud by a single human employee, Google’s Project Zero has reportedly adopted a “flexible disclosure policy” regarding security vulnerabilities – a bold move that shifts their position from “warn the world in 90 days” to “eh, we’ll see.” The policy was buried deep in a changelog available only via a cached PDF last accessed by a raccoon-themed cyberpunk forum. When asked for comment, a Google representative stared blankly, whispered “shhh,” and slowly slid behind a conference room whiteboard.
The change comes after years of pushback from internal ad teams who argued that fixing software bugs too quickly was “interfering with behavioral data harvesting at scale.” Under the new policy, Project Zero can now delay disclosing critical security flaws for an “indeterminate window of time,” especially if those flaws are “highly lucrative, meme-adjacent, or deeply exploitable for surveillance-based shampoo recommendations.” The system reportedly uses a proprietary algorithm called SNOOZE-AI™, which calculates disclosure timelines based on how expensive your last Amazon purchase was and whether you’re about to buy a baby monitor.
Privacy advocates raised immediate concerns after discovering that several zero-day exploits were quietly “flex-flexed” — Google’s internal slang for letting bugs ride until the target buys a Nest Hub. One leaked memo suggested that certain vulnerabilities were being kept live “just long enough to see if the user says the phrase ‘divorce lawyer near me’ out loud in their sleep.” Other documents outline a now-deprecated tier called “High Value Silence”, wherein bug reports are replaced with curated ad playlists based on what your keyboard heat signature implies you’re insecure about.
In defense of the policy, Project Zero lead engineer Kyle “No Known Last Name” wrote, “Security isn’t about rushing fixes — it’s about monetizing the discovery window efficiently, compassionately, and in full compliance with international ad laws that don’t exist yet.” Google has assured the public that all security issues are being handled in a “trustworthy and user-aligned” manner, though a recent bug in Chrome’s autofill feature resulted in several users’ deepest fears being emailed to their employers.
As of press time, Google had posted a single vague tweet reading, “Safety is a journey, not a sprint #flexdisclose”, accompanied by a targeted ad for therapy services, emotional-support bidets, and a livestreamed pillow that watches you sleep.
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